What better time to reflect on how consciously you love than on the holiday that celebrates it. Many of us continue to love the way we learned to as children by default. Our parents were our role models for love and loving. They may have seeded some beliefs in you around love that are not in line with your truth, either directly by example or indirectly through situations you were left to interpret. We’d like to ask some questions around the issues of love and loving to help you to become more conscious of your love patterns. The purpose of these questions is not so you can blame, but so you can take responsibility for your choices and reactions to love now. When we become conscious of the reasons behind our current choices we can do some healing at the origin of our issues and then make new choices.

What does love mean to you?  Do you get all uncomfortable when you hear the word, do you feel that love is irrelevant, or corny? Are you looking for love from outside of yourself to validate that you are worth loving?  It is important to pay attention to how the discussion of love makes you feel.  Does it make you feel all warm inside or perhaps for you it brings up some fear or sense of loss of freedom or loneliness ... how does love make you feel?  Does the topic make you sad because you feel that no one loves you or that you will never find the right person to be in a relationship with?  Maybe it brings up some old hurts in need of healing, old hurts you may have shoved down so deep that you forgot they were even there.  Those old hurts that are buried, may surface periodically as physical pain or through painful relationships because you are still holding onto them.  Medication may mask the pain, but there won’t be any healing done.  The emotional pain will only be pushed down again to come up a little stronger when it resurfaces the next time, not as a punishment, but as a way to get your attention. When we hold onto our emotions we will attract situations and people that will trigger them. When pain is in your definition of love it will be a magnet for more painful love; when healing is in your definition of love it will be a magnet for more healing love.

How did you learn to love?  Were you loved by your parents or guardians just for being or did you adapt in order to feel loved?  If you adapted because you didn’t feel loved just for being, how did you do that?  Maybe you learned to manipulate to get love, that when you pleased your mother and father that you felt loved so every time you needed some love you’d find someone to (manipulate) please.  Perhaps you learned that when you were sick or injured you felt loved so when you needed some loving you would ask for the booboo to be kissed or as a teen, might attract the flu in order to be taken care of.  Maybe you got love when a sibling was picking on you or hurting you because mommy or daddy would come to your defense so you learned to become a victim when you were looking for some love.  We all needed love in order to grow so if you are reading this, obviously you got enough to survive.  You may argue that you didn’t get enough, but you did get enough, you just didn’t get it in the way you wanted it or as much as you wanted.  The way you adapted was necessary to your survival, but as an adult those adaptive ways become destructive to you and the love you seek.

How do you express love? Perhaps you sacrifice for love or are doing to get love rather than doing out of love. Sacrifice and doing to get love will create resentment, when doing out of love there is no resentment. How many of you draw the line in the amount of love that you give?  If your love was rationed during childhood, do you ration the love that you give as an adult?  And as you ration the love that you give to others, do you demand that others be loving toward you?  Do you tell yourself that you have expressed your quota of love and anymore would give the other person a big head?  Do you tell those you love that you love them or do you refrain because they should know already?  Do you show others that you love them by the things you do just because you love them with no strings attached or do you expect something in return when you perform an act of love?  

Where do you find love?  Are you still using your old adaptive ways? Are those ways now killing the love that you so desperately seek or killing you? Do you believe you are worth loving and allow yourself to receive love or do you find receiving to be uncomfortable?  Maybe you were taught that it is holier to give or that giving is safer. If you have trouble receiving, try looking at it as giving.  Receiving is giving another the opportunity to experience the joy of giving. If you can’t receive, you can’t truly give.  Receiving graciously comes before giving graciously.  Sometimes giving can really be controlling if you aren’t capable of receiving. In order to receive you must relinquish control. When you are out of balance with your giving and receiving you may be giving from an empty place or taking too much in efforts to fill a void.

Do you practice loving yourself or is it something you plan to get around to one of these days when your schedule frees up?  Can you admit to yourself, that maybe you don’t quite know how to love yourself even though you know you should? Where is loving yourself on your priority list? Perhaps it’s time to begin or renew your relationship with your Higher Self who loves you unconditionally or to find some new tools to help you in the area of loving yourself. If giving out of love is truly a priority for you, you must make loving yourself a priority as well.

Are you happy with the person you are in your relationships?  Do you put duty and obligation for others first, putting the ones you love most last, knowing they love you and will understand? Perhaps you feel you are a low priority of a loved one? How are you valued and how do you value your loving relationships? Do you take out your anger on the ones you love or find yourself on the receiving end of an angry loved one? Have you been hurt by someone taking his/her stuff out on you or hurt someone you love with your stuff?  Do you take time to process through your negative emotions so as not to dump them on a loved one? Do you love them enough to take responsibility for healing yourself so you can stop dumping?  Do you love them enough to say, “yes” only out of love and without resentment? Do you act toward those you love out of love or out of fear? If you act out of fear, you may say “yes” for fear that they wouldn’t love you if you said “no,” feeling resentful and that you have no choice but to meet their needs. Love does not create resentment. Resentment comes from a place of fear.

Do you believe that you are worth loving, or does your resonance send out the unlovable message? Look at the pattern of your loving relationships and they will tell you what your beliefs are about yourself in relationship to love.  If your loving relationships are painful, then you may hold a belief that ‘love hurts.’  If you lose your identity in a relationship you may hold a belief that ‘love is about sacrifice,’ and sacrifice your very Being in order to be in a relationship.  If you hurt the ones you love, you may have some martyring issues needing attention because martyrs hurt the ones they love the most.  Doing too much for others sends the message that others are not capable. This message does not heal; it hurts.

Do you have a tendency to try to fix or rescue people and call it love? That is not loving, that is control. Often people fix or rescue to give themselves value, to be the hero, rather than out of love.  Love others for their weaknesses and their strengths.  See those you love as new every day.  Don’t judge them from past performance.  Communicate your feelings, stop blaming and try being more vulnerable in your intimate relationships.  Sense the strength in your vulnerability and tell those you love how you feel in given situations.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, don’t judge them, trust that they have the capacity and ability to grow and change just like you do.  Anything less would be arrogant on your part.  If you tell them how you feel and they continue their unacceptable behavior, love yourself enough to say, “no, this is not okay.” When someone’s behavior is not acceptable to you, love yourself and him or her enough to tell him or her so.  When necessary love them enough to let them go.  You can’t change other people, but you can stop doing the dance with them ... you can change yourself.

Love is an incredibly powerful energy.  It is all around us in abundant supply.  If you can’t feel it, then you are blocking yourself from receiving it.  Step outside and give yourself permission to receive love.  Really look at the beauty of nature and feel its love and majesty. Breathe it in; it is yours for the taking. God, Goddess, All That Is gave us this gift.  We are surrounded by it and very often don’t even see it.  Feel the sun on your face; give yourself permission to feel the warmth, the love.  When you realize you have been denying yourself, you can stop and give yourself permission to feel.

Start loving yourself, spend time with yourself in meditation, get in touch with the parts of yourself, the lesser parts as well as the parts of you that are more.  Heal the wounded parts; give love to your fearful parts, and to the parts that needed more or that needed love differently than your parents were able to give it.  It’s never too late. Realize your parents weren’t perfect and through their mistakes you may have been wounded, not so you can blame, but so you can take responsibility for your healing. Start expressing your love for yourself and others. Unexpressed love festers in your body and may resurface as illness.  Love unexpressed is just as harmful to you as anger unexpressed.  They are both negative emotions.  Love and anger expressed appropriately are positive emotions.

It is time for us to revise our definitions of love. True love does not hurt; true love heals. When you take time to love and heal yourself everyone benefits. When you sacrifice no one benefits. Those who are there for you in your success are the ones who really love you. They have nothing to gain and are giving with no strings attached. They are there to give love rather than giving to get love. If you are playing hurt in order to get love, stop. Honor and cherish your loving relationships. Begin loving others for who they are and who they are becoming. Love someone enough to let him/her go if  you address their behavior and it continues to be hurtful. Give yourself permission to consciously love and be loved this year like you have never before, taking time to become conscious of the intentions behind the acts that in the past you may have unconsciously called love. Begin to relinquish control around those with whom you feel safe and allow yourself to receive love like you never have before, even if you begin with nature. As the saying goes, “take time to smell the roses,” you won’t be sorry.  Love begins with you and radiates outward.  When you love yourself you will be a magnet for more love. Be conscious of your choices and decisions around love and enjoy the journey!

This information is to raise awareness and not a substitute for professional assistance.  If you are in an abusive relationship get professional assistance before you do anything.

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Trish Whynot, D.C.Ed. is a Doctor of C.O.R.E. Education, specializing in ASAT™ C.O.R.E. Counseling. She utilizes meditation, energy work, aromatherapy and crystals in her alternative approach to wellness in Middleton, MA, and can be reached at 978-314-4545 or visit her website at www.holisticoncepts.com.