Forgiveness: 8 Check Points On This Journey To Freedom 
by Trish Whynot, D.C.Ed. 

Forgiveness is a journey toward freedom from our past. It can be transformational, complex, is not to be taken lightly and cannot be commanded. If you are patient and open to the unfolding of forgiveness, your desire to forgive will be fulfilled.

There may be plateaus along the way where many of us are lulled into thinking the journey is complete, but you will know you have reached your destination when only love and gratitude remain in your heart for the person you have forgiven. When a hurtful past relationship has been transformed into an opportunity for personal growth and healing for which you are grateful—with or without an apology—then you know you are free. 

I have identified eight stages in the process of forgiveness, or eight check points—points where we must check in with ourselves in order to stay on the forgiveness path. You may encounter none or you may encounter them all, but each one can free you from a misconceived notion obstructing forgiveness.

1. Sorry

Does an apology really mend hurt feelings?

Andy (seven-years-old) had pushed his sister, Deb, (eight-years-old) and Mom’s robotic response had become, “Tell your sister you’re sorry.” In the moment that Mom barked her command, Andy wasn’t feeling particularly remorseful. In his mind he had acted in self-defense so his obedient “sorry” came through gritted teeth. His lack of sincerity was so obvious that Mom couldn’t resist seizing the moment to make a point. She commented with neutrality, “You might as well have said, F-you.”

Since Mom was not one to swear, you can imagine the wide-eyed response from her young children, but that day changed her relationship with forgiveness forever as well as changed the course of her children’s lives. From that point forward, she began listening to both sides, never rushed her children into an apology or to accept one, and became more thoughtful with the use of the term sorry. She sought the aid of a counselor to help resolve the fighting because, clearly, sorry alone could not mend hurt feelings, provide peace of mind, or permanently resolve a conflict.

 2. The Why versus the How

The most important point to grasp is that forgiveness is a gift to the one who forgives. It frees the forgiver from the past through understanding, and is a path to peace of mind and wisdom. Hurtful behavior is how pain, confusion and ignorance spill over onto others, and while some behaviors are just plain unforgivable, the person behind them is not. Forgiveness is distinct from reconciliation in that it does not require the participation of the perpetrator.

For forgiveness to work, that is, to free us, it requires an understanding of why we have been wronged. If we have taken the situation personally, we must be willing to acknowledge and release ourselves from any other emotional bondage that the event has brought up for us. 

We can’t forgive as long as we are focused on how we were wronged. Forgiveness might require mustering the humility necessary to admit that we have benefited from the attention or sense of self-righteousness gained from victimhood. We know that forgiveness is on its way to completion when we move from rehashing the wrongs to discussing why we were wronged and how we have benefited. There is value to what we have learned, albeit in a challenging way, about ourselves, about others, how to maturely handle our own pain, and how to set boundaries.

 3. The Perpetrator-Victim Conundrum

Believing that we are victims keeps us on a plateau in terms of self-development, spiritual growth and forgiveness. It is a tough check point to move beyond, but to do so is transformational, enlightening and freeing. We have all been perpetrator and victim at one time or another. When motivated by fear we are more susceptible to causing harm and being harmed. Residual pain from a negative experience that we have not forgiven causes us to fear a repeat performance. Pain from our unfinished business spills over onto our new relationships, and in our effort to protect ourselves, we become the perpetrator of pain to others, be it passively or aggressively. 

The only way to avoid the victim-perpetrator cycle is to heal our own wounds. As we do, we begin to see ourselves (the person we have been in our fearful moments) in our perpetrator and can forgive him and ourselves for having become the self-centered beings that harbored pain, confusion and ignorance can turn us into. Only then can we genuinely come from a place of love for self and others and be a magnet for that same authenticity. Being on the receiving end of what we have done to others is a powerful place from which to activate forgiveness.

We can apply my parenting example here. Even though Deb was feeling like a victim, she had also done her share of instigating—she could push with her words. And even though Andy appeared to be the perpetrator because he physically pushed Deb, his actions were in response to feeling like a victim so the cycle kept perpetuating. The sensitive, victim parts of each of them kept harboring pain and perpetrating clashes. Neither could see beyond their own pain, so they kept fluctuating between the roles of perpetrator and victim. Deb might have called her mom to join forces with her in making Andy the bad guy in the above example, but they each got half credit. She wasn’t always the instigator, but any pent up frustration either of them had about pretty much anything, got pointed toward the other. They had become each other’s scapegoats.

Parents often unconsciously do this to their children, and spouses to each other—the child or spouse throws the straw that breaks the camel’s back and out spills everything onto the one who threw the last straw. For the first offense we only have to forgive the perpetrator’s ignorance in dealing with their feelings and bring their behavior to attention, but reconciling involves, at the very least, setting a boundary as to how you expect to be treated in the future, and optimally a commitment on the part of the perpetrator to pursue emotional maturity.

If you were dumped on or made to feel inadequate as a child, it is likely that you will find yourself with weak boundaries and consequently in similar circumstances as an adult. Fortunately we can use the emotional charge provided from an adult circumstance as fuel to take us back into our childhood in search of where we got stuck in terms of emotional development. It is only when we can admit to our own emotional immaturity and its impact that we can stop blaming our parents and forgive them for their deficiencies and the impact their own lack of emotional evolution had on us.

There is so much more to learn from the imperfections of our parents than simply “I’ll never be anything like them.” The concept of being a contributing factor to a dynamic that caused you pain as a child is not what you think. If you accept any premise indicating that our parents had a higher purpose for us, then it follows that painful dynamics played out in childhood must have hidden value. In this case, the pursuit of forgiveness can be particularly fruitful—helping an adult look back to his childhood set up in search of meaning and purpose.

4. Reconciliation versus Forgiveness

It takes two to tango. When a perpetrator can take responsibility for the feelings that fueled her actions and the victim can take responsibility for the unresolved feelings that attracted the situation, there is the potential for growth and healing individually and in the relationship. We don’t need our partner in pain to participate in order to forgive, but we do need their participation if we are to reconcile and have the relationship move beyond it. Otherwise it will just be a matter of “’til next time.”

Complete reconciliation involves inviting the perpetrator of pain back into your heart and, when genuine, the perpetrator will want to show you how he has healed and developed to become worthy of that honor. But for the reconciliation to be genuine you must be willing to share how you have healed and developed as a result of his painful prompting. Such reconciliation requires soul-searching on both ends, but this pursuit deepens intimacy like nothing else you could ever imagine.

5. Pretense

Authentic forgiveness, as we have just seen, is a soul-searching process that takes genuine effort. However, there is also such a thing as inauthentic or false forgiveness which is a form of arrogance. You may be able to fool someone into thinking you have forgiven them, but it is impossible to forgive someone without going through the process of understanding both the pain and fear behind the perpetrator’s act and your own contribution to the dynamic. Pretense feeds egos; forgiveness feeds hearts. Pride clogs the pores of the heart while humility opens them.

Some people think they are practicing forgiveness by attempting to be the bigger person; others who claim to have forgiven are avoiding conflict and the attention it draws, and some would rather shortcut the forgiveness process than admit to the seemingly insurmountable hurt that it stirred in them (old wounds that got triggered by current circumstances). In all these examples pretense boosted pride where humility could have boosted healing.

Avoiding conflict, playing the role of the “better” person, and hiding from old wounds are substitutes for forgiveness. Real forgiveness entails deep self-awareness: “I get it, I see what needs healing or understanding within myself, I can let you go now.” It takes humility to admit that we took something personally; it takes humility to admit that we’ve been a perpetrator; it takes humility to admit that we’ve felt that way before; and it takes humility to forgive. In order to ascend from this plateau, we must have the humility to admit that we aren’t ready to forgive, or are struggling to do so, and stop pretending that we already have.

6. Feeling Sorry for Someone versus Forgiveness

Forgiving someone because you feel sorry for him or her is also more an act of arrogance than of forgiveness because it amounts to judging, looking down on and assuming someone isn’t capable of changing. Sometimes in our attempt to forgive a family member we may go through the phase of feeling sorry for him or her in an attempt to keep them in our lives. This may get you through the holidays, but it won’t free you from your past. Feeling sorry for someone honors neither that person nor ourselves. Feeling sorry can only, at best, feed their self-pity and our arrogance. We need to move from arrogance to humility, from pity to compassion and then surrender the outcome of the relationship if we are to move off this plateau.

7. Emotional Charge

If talking about an event or person stirs feelings of shame, gets you heated, moves you to tears, or makes you cringe at the thought of a repeat performance, there is still an emotional charge. You may have touched the top layers, but there is more work to be done. Healing at the root may involve peeling back layers that involve similar pain from past experiences with others, potentially leading back to childhood events.

Lynne had been stuck in an unhealthy relationship and was quite frustrated with herself by the time she got to my office. Her friends couldn’t understand why she kept going back to Nick; their disapproval just added feelings of shame and abandonment to her frustration and confusion.

Probing revealed that Lynne had lost a sibling when she was in kindergarten and had never dealt with her feelings. Due to this unresolved experience, feelings of abandonment were so supercharged for her that she would go to great lengths to avoid them, including remaining in relationships that were unhealthy.

Once she was able to connect the dots to her childhood, Lynne was able to use her current circumstances as an opportunity to flush out this old wound along with a few others. The reason she had remained in this unhealthy relationship was now crystal clear to Lynne and she was able to replace her frustration with self-forgiveness. She could now see that although Nick appeared confident, his cutting remarks were his insecure feelings spilling over onto her. She understood why she had attracted him, was able to forgive him, cut off the relationship once and for all for the good of both of them, and move on with love and gratitude in her heart for Nick and all she had learned, how she had healed, and for finally being liberated from the chains of her fear of abandonment. She was seeing life with new eyes.

If you are struggling to move beyond the past, don’t judge yourself or fall into the trap of judging others. Be honest with yourself and find a professional who can help you to use your feelings to set yourself free.

8. Self-forgiveness

In order to forgive another we have to be willing to admit that there have been times when we too have acted inappropriately, and be willing to explore the pain, confusion or ignorance that provoked such actions. In order to see the wounded actions of someone else, we must be intimate with the wounded parts of ourselves. In order to know that someone else can change we, ourselves, must have experienced the true change that comes from soul-searching— rather than the superficial change that comes from merely “controlling” one’s behavior. Most humbly, in order to forgive a perpetrator we must admit that we’ve been a perpetrator.

Conclusion

Those experiences that are the most challenging to forgive contain the seeds to our greatest liberation. Being freed from such significant episodes of pain frees our hearts to live more, love more and be more of who we truly are. A devoted journey toward forgiveness's of this magnitude can give us a whole new lease on life. We emerge from these challenges with humility and clarity—seeing purpose where there once was confusion and seeing order where we once could only see chaos.

Forgiveness does not require forgiving behavior, resuming a relationship, or contacting the person. Instead it requires feeling compassion for the pain, confusion or ignorance that lay behind the hurtful behavior. And while the perpetrator is not obliged to face up to his own behavior, neither are you obliged to be further impacted by it. Forgiveness involves admitting to and forgiving ourselves for times when we have acted inappropriately due to our own pain, confusion and ignorance. Consequently, it sometimes requires soul-searching, brutal honesty and connecting current circumstances to our past.

Forgiveness allows us to access more optimal futures than were previously conceivable. When you can ride the emotional charge of pain into your depths and emerge with the joy of healing and growth in your heart, only love and gratitude will remain for yourself and for those you have forgiven. And when we no longer need an apology is when we are most likely to receive one.

© 2010 Patricia Whynot
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Trish Whynot, D.C.Ed. is a holistic counselor, Doctor of C.O.R.E. Education and visionary writer. She utilizes meditation and crystals in her alternative approach to eliminating the root cause of problems. She experiences life as an amazing journey, and educates those who desire to live in truth, love and beauty. Private appointments are available via phone or in person at her Middleton, MA office. Call 978.314.4545 or visit www.TrishWhynot.com for information.

All information in this newsletter is based on the opinion and experience of the practitioner. It is the responsibility of the reader to only take what makes sense to them. This information is not meant to be used as a substitute for medical diagnosis, treatment or cure of an illness.