A Tribute To Steve: Grieving The Loss Of A Pet
by Dr. Trish Whynot

My fear was the fear of not knowing what Steve's final days would bring or how they would play out. Would he die peacefully in his sleep? … Would he wander off to die-leaving me to wonder what happened? … Or would I be faced with the decision to euthanize? 

My anger was about Steve leaving the planet before I was ready. I had been meaning to get around to loving those parts of myself that Steve had so effortlessly showed me how to unconditionally love, but now these parts stood before me waiting to see what I was going to do. I could either attempt to continue pacifying them with a new cat or I could do my inner work and love them myself. The choice was mine; it always is.

My regret was concerning the times I had taken Steve's love and joy for granted. I was also feeling regret over the irrational "what ifs?" What if I had done this or that differently? … Would Steve have lost his will to live if I had been a better guardian? … Would we be dealing with this if I had brought him to the vet sooner?

As I processed these emotions, I realized that this time of grieving was ripe with opportunities for healing and growth. The more healing I did, the more present I was able to be with Steve's needs during his last days. 

Pet Loss

Animals do not have the fear of death that humans have, and therefore do not resist it the way we do. When an animal is called to leave the planet, they don't resist-their cycle for this lifetime is complete and they accept it. They don't live their lives in fear of death. Nor do they see death as a failure. They live each moment unaware of death. Death merely lends way to the dawning of a new day in nature.

The loss of a pet can trigger pain from other losses of unconditional love, and even from unconditional love that was longed for yet never received during childhood. This additional grief will intensify the pain you are experiencing from the loss of a pet friend. 

The intensity of pain that you feel over losing a pet can be confusing, surprising and even embarrassing. You might feel that no one understands the bond you had with your pet or is sensitive to the magnitude of emotion that you are now feeling over your loss. In these circumstances, you might be tempted to bury your pain in an effort to make it go away. For instance, you might try to keep busy so you don't have to feel your raw emotions, but this only contributes to prolonging your discomfort. 

When you have been loved "as is" by a pet-a desire every human being longs for-and you are faced with losing this unconditional companion, it can be devastating. Furthermore, if you have inadvertently become dependent upon this pet's love, the pain can be insurmountable.

Sometimes our fear of losing our pet's unconditional love is so great that it clouds our ability to make decisions that are in the best interest of the animal. Our fear of loss can distort our perception of what's best and confuse our decision-making ability. Fortunately our vet can help us to see our pet's needs clearly; and our pets are patient with our process and don't take it personally.

Difficulty getting over the loss of a pet is an indication that there is more than the current situation for which you are grieving. Anytime you are feeling more emotion than a situation should warrant, this is an indication that there is stored emotion from situations in your past with similar essence. In the case of grief, the essence is loss and the emotion you are feeling is a build up of emotion from other losses. 

When approaching death, a pet will often stay around until their guardian has come to terms with their call to return "Home." This exemplifies the powerful bond pets have with their human guardians. Processing the emotions that your pet's call brings up for you will clear any static that prevents you from being present with your pet's needs and desires at the time of their crossing.

Euthanasia

As a pet's guardian, putting a pet down is a decision we are sometimes put in the position to make. If the animal was in the wild and sickly, it wouldn't be long before it was ambushed by a predator. This is nature's way of putting sick animals out of their misery. As your pet's guardian, you may be put in the position of having to decide what would be best for your pet since you have taken on nature's responsibility. This can be a difficult decision because pets become a part of your family. It can be helpful to ask your higher self and your pet's deva for some assistance in identifying where your responsibility for their life ends and where their responsibility begins.

Steve did not die from an illness. He was getting old and simply lost his will to remain physical. His choice to stop eating made this inevitably clear. We brought him to the vet for tests and they found nothing. The vet suggested we try an appetite stimulant. This got him eating again, but each time we stopped the stimulant, within a few days Steve would stop eating. 

Prior to the third attempt with the appetite stimulant, we decided to make peace with Steve-each family member made peace in their own way. In my conversation with Steve, I let him know how much I loved him and how grateful I was for all the love and joy that he had brought to me and our family. I also expressed my regrets over what I could have done differently and asked his forgiveness for my humanness. Then I told him that we would respect his choice to either stay with us for awhile longer or to return "Home." Lastly, I told him that this would be the last time that I would use the appetite stimulant. When I took him off the stimulant for the last time and he stopped eating, I knew that Steve had made his decision and I was prepared to honor it.

I called the vet and made the appointment to have Steve euthanized. He had become thin and weak and if I had not intervened with his attempt to leave the planet, he would have already passed. He had been patient with our process and for that I was grateful.

My husband and I brought Steve to the vet. This was the last time that I would ever see him alive. We were filled with emotion over our anticipated loss, but at the same time there was a sense of peace for being able to genuinely honor Steve's choice. After saying our final goodbyes Steve died in our arms with the vet's assistance. He was finally free.

We went from the vet's office to a nearby wildlife sanctuary to be close to nature. I kept noticing a tickle on the side of my face as though my hair was brushing against it. Each time I attempted to brush my hair aside, there was none there. As we walked, I silently asked nature about my confusion and then had the realization that every time I had thought about Steve or spoken his name I had felt this feeling. Then it occurred to me that it was Steve. He had come to comfort me. He was letting me know that he was okay and the message I kept getting was that he was now free and could be with me always. 

I had done my preliminary grieving, but my tears were telling me that there was more grieving to do. I honored the feelings and gave myself the space and time to feel them completely with Steve ethereally by my side. Because of the wisdom and compassion that had emerged from the grieving I had already done, I looked forward to more cleansing and expansion.

To this day when I think of Steve, I feel his gentle caress and remember his love. Occasionally thoughts of Steve will bring sadness. During those times, I acknowledge that there is a little more work to do and I tenderly sit with my feelings without judgment. I take the time to love the part of myself that is grieving in the unconditional way that Steve loved me.

Getting Another Pet

The choice to get another pet after losing one is a delicate decision. The emotions of losing your pet may feel devastating because you are not only losing a friend, but you are also left with a void in your life that will require filling. Getting another animal would be a temporary way to fill this void, but a better way is to fill it yourself, permanently, with the unconditional love and acceptance for which parts of you are longing. In this way, you won't need to be dependent on another animal to complete you. Then you can get another pet if you wish, purely for the pleasure of it. 

Your "unhealed self" may want another pet to fill your void, or it may attempt to control your pain by not replacing your pet. Avoiding another pet so you won't run the risk of re-experiencing this pain again, is a means to control your pain from being re-triggered. Control may keep you safe from pain to some degree, but restricting your life in this way makes your world smaller and no healing comes of it. 

Your "healed self," on the other hand, may want to experience the joy of having a pet for the pure pleasure and experience of it, or may choose to experience your newfound freedom of feeling whole in other ways. Having a pet purely for the pleasure of it offers a much deeper, more enriching and mutually supportive experience than having a pet to fill a void ever could.

Everyone grieves at their own pace so there is no proper amount of time to wait before getting another pet. If you decide to get another pet right away, the pet that has moved on will not be offended. And you can still learn to love your unhealed self, even after acquiring another pet to fill your void. 

Close 

Eventually, everyone realizes that attempting to fill a void from the outside is exhausting and never really satisfying. The only way to really care for that emptiness is to nurture it from the inside. The feelings that grieving stirs are pointing us in the direction we need to go to do that healing. 

Love is what heals and pets teach us to love unconditionally. They have no hidden agenda, don't hold a grudge and accept us "as is." I was able to do some personal healing by observing Steve's unconditional methods and then applying them to myself. During that process my anger and sadness were transformed into love and gratitude.

In processing my regrets, I learned that nothing that I could have done would have changed Steve's destiny. My regrets were transcended with forgiveness and understanding. Because of this understanding, I am reminded of the importance of expressing my gratitude regularly. 

Steve's body was ready to retire, but his spirit is still very much alive and has been revealed to us in subtle ways. During my grieving process, my fear of how Steve would choose to leave the planet was transformed into faith. I even confided in him when it was time for us to adopt a new kitten, and we couldn't have made a better choice.

I thought my human and animal relationships had been deep and meaningful, but Steve helped me to take them to a whole new level of depth, richness, fulfillment and mutual support. I knew in my head that the level of depth, richness, fulfillment and support in my relationships was directly related to the level of relationship I had with myself, but processing my grief with Steve helped me to "know" it with my heart and to feel it with my soul. 

Our emotional static gets in our way of being there for others in the manner that they need. Our healed self has processed through the emotional trauma that a human or animal has brought up for her and can, then, be there for that being in an empowering way. Our unhealed self has a hidden agenda. She wants to take away or somehow control someone's pain so she doesn't have to feel her own. Our unhealed self disempowers others and is selfishly motivated. This, too, I know because of Steve.

Assistance is often necessary when processing old, stored emotions. And learning to love yourself can be an education. Some people look at "feeling your feelings" and "asking for help with your process" as signs of weakness, but once you give yourself permission to feel and/or ask, you will realize the incredible courage and strength that each takes. Working through the process of grief can be amazingly transformational and a tribute to your pet's life.

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Dr. Trish Whynot is a Holistic Counselor and Doctor of C.O.R.E. Education. She utilizes meditation, aromatherapy and crystals in her alternative approach to eliminating the root cause of problems. She experiences life as an amazing journey and assists those ready to view their lives from a healing perspective. Private appointments available via phone or in person at her Middleton, MA office. Call 978.314.4545 or visit www.holisticoncepts.com or www.TrishWhynot.com for information.  All information in this newsletter is based on the opinion and experience of the practitioner. It is the responsibility of the reader to only take what makes sense to them. This information is not meant to be used as a substitute for medical diagnosis, treatment or cure of an illness.