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The
Tug of War: Withdrawing And Pushing In Relationships
by Susie and Otto Collins
There’s a dynamic that occurs in almost every relationship that causes
conflict and disconnection. This conflict and disconnection is created by
a “tug of war” of pushing and withdrawing. In this article, we’ll
offer some ways to help you let go of the pushing and withdrawing
“dance” so that you can create a deeper love and connection.
Recently we attended a seminar and there was an incident between the
seminar leader and one
of the participants that had a great impact on us. All of the people
attending the seminar were authors, speakers and seminar leaders who were
there to learn how to fine-tune their message to create a bigger impact in
the media world when they did interviews.
During the two-day seminar, the leader's job was to try to help us bring
out, fine-tune and embrace our creative genius. What was interesting was
that no matter how hard the leader tried, he couldn't get one woman to
recognize what her project was really about. He saw in her a genius that
she couldn't see and wasn't able to embrace in herself.
Throughout the two days, we witnessed a struggle between the leader
pushing and the woman withdrawing. The more he pushed—the more she
withdrew. We think this is a common dynamic in many relationships—where
one person pushes and the other person withdraws or retreats. This always
creates distance and disconnection between the two people.
This withdrawal can be from any number of reasons but fear is always at
the bottom. If someone is withdrawing or retreating in a relationship,
they are not feeling safe in that moment, so pushing only adds to those
feelings. The person who is withdrawing may be focusing on a past negative
event or projecting negative possibilities into the current or future
situations. As hard as it is to believe, they may simply be feeling too
much, rather than not enough. The situation may be overwhelming to them.
The person who withdraws may need just a little space. The person who is
"pushing" may need to back off their energy a few notches so the
person feels safer.
The person who is pushing can be doing it for many different reasons—from
helping the person see or realize his/her potential, feel emotions or to
simply getting some help around the house or with the kids. Not only is
fear always at the bottom of the “withdrawing” but it is also the
motivation that’s driving the “pushing.” The person may not
even recognize that they are "pushing" even when they are and
may think they are doing it for all the right reasons.
Because it is a lonely and frustrating place to be in, most people who are
with someone who "withdraws" will try almost anything they can
think of to get them to open up their heart. But, as pure as their
intentions can be, we think that pushing to prompt some sort of reaction
with another doesn’t help the relationship. It just ends up creating
resentment and mistrust.
In our opinion, the challenge that two people have when they are in the
middle of this tug of war dynamic is to find a way to reconnect with each
other.
In Susie's previous marriage, she found herself on a regular basis
"pushing” her ex-husband to "feel" emotions. She
remembers when her grandfather died, trying to get her "ex" to
express the feelings that she knew he must have because they both dearly
loved this man. She had the sensation of "clawing" at her
"ex" to get him to feel but he just shut his emotions down even
more.
This was a reoccurring theme during their marriage and she never
understood that her pushing him to feel was actually causing him to
withdraw even further. She kept doing the same thing over and over,
expecting a different result each time.
When the two of us got together—despite our intentions to have a
different kind of relationship—we began repeating the
“pushing/withdrawing” relationship dance in our relationship. When we
realized that we were repeating patterns from previous relationships (and
we all tend to repeat patterns), we made a conscious decision to change
this dynamic between the two of us.
So what do you do if you are pushing someone to feel or act a certain way?
What if you are the one being pushed?
We suggest that both people recognize and admit that this is a dynamic
that happens between them. Then, talk about it when it's not happening.
If both people can recognize that it does happen in the relationship, you
can begin making agreements about what you'll do when it occurs the next
time. Even if only one person recognizes the tug of war dance, he/she can
decide to change the “rules” and chose different ways of being.
Agreements can be made with oneself if your partner isn’t willing to
admit to the dance.
What kind of agreements can you make with each other or with yourself?
1. Agree that you are each other’s friends and not the enemy. What we do
in our relationship when this “dance” happens is to let the other
person who has either withdrawn or has been pushing know that we are their
friend and not the enemy.
2. Agree to get in touch with what you are feeling and experiencing in
your body at that moment and tell the other person how you are feeling.
Tune into yourself and focus on what’s going on inside. Then
explain to each other what you are feeling and experiencing in the moment
without judging the other person or yourself. If you keep your
responses focused on what you are feeling without holding onto what’s
“THE” truth, you will avoid the “I’m right, you’re wrong”
scenario.
An example of this might be...
"I'm feeling really sad that we're not connecting. I would like to
recapture the same kind of feeling that we had when we were first together
and right now I'm not feeling that."
Another example might be...
"Our relationship is really important to me and I'm feeling distance
between us right now and I'm wondering how I can feel close to you
again?"
3. Agree to look at the patterns that surface between two of you and begin
to heal them. A question that may be asked that both people can answer to
help discover these patterns is "What does this situation remind you
of?"
We've used this question when one of us has withdrawn and the other has
pushed. It may not be a question that can be answered in the moment.
We may need a little space to discover how we are feeling. If one or both
of us needs space, we always agree to come back together and talk about it
later at a certain time.
4. Agree to share with your partner the specific differences between
what's happening in this moment and how the two of you were when you were
the happiest or most connected.
Agree then to begin to treat each other as you did when you were the
happiest and most connected.
In our relationship, when both of us recognize and admit to contributing
to the challenges we have in
the relationship, it helps us to regain our connection.
Realize that if there is someone "pushing" and another
"withdrawing," there are probably some
resentments and painful truths between both of you that have to be
unearthed before this dynamic
can be resolved. You both may benefit from the help of a therapist.
If you are with someone who is so withdrawn that it is painful for you to
be in that relationship, you
have to decide whether you want to stay in this situation or not. There
are no guarantees that the person who is withdrawing is able or willing to
open up to you or anyone. It may be too painful for them. It is worth a
try, or several tries, to allow the space, the honesty and the love to
create a reconnection between the two of you.
If you find yourself withdrawing from another person, take some time to go
inside yourself to find out what you are feeling in the moment. Have the
courage to tell the other person what you are feeling and ask if they can
help you. If they are open to helping, suggest some ways that would help
you to feel safer. It might be using a different tone of voice or
listening without commenting to what you have to say.
If you see yourself in this "pushing/withdrawing" dynamic, it is
our hope that you will come to
awareness of what's happening and stop this common relationship
"dance" so that you can begin to move toward reconnection and
deeper love.
__________________
Susie and Otto Collins are
Relationship and Life Success Coaches, authors of 3 books on relationships
and life partners. In addition to having a great relationship, they
regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and
personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for
their free online newsletter visit http://www.Collinspartners.com
or http://www.RelationshipGold.com
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