Saying "No" When It's Not That Simple
by Sabrina Schleicher, Ph.D.
As a psychologist and life coach, I often find myself discussing the importance of saying "no" with busy, stressed-out professionals. Everyone likes the idea of saying "no" more often, at least in theory. But, when it comes to actually doing it, I hear a lot of "Yes, buts." In other words, "Yes, I could say no to that, but then who would do it?" or "Yes, I could say no to that, but then my boss would be upset with me and I might not get a promotion." Why is it so hard to say "no" to others?
Most of us experiencing success in our careers have learned one lesson really well--if you want to advance, you have to be willing to do the work. Translation, say "yes" to opportunities that come your way--you never know where it will lead. Well, look where that has led you. . . right to reading this article, looking for a solution to managing your busy life!
The truth is, we are much better at saying "yes" than we are at saying "no." Saying "yes" is easy, even if it means more stress and frustration down the road. When you say "yes," the person asking something of you smiles, thanks you, and you are left feeling as though you have pleased someone. There’s a lot of emotional payoff in that.
Saying "no" is not immediately gratifying to us. Although rationally we know that saying "no" will mean we will feel less stressed in the future, when we say "no," we may feel guilty about disappointing the person who has made a request of us. Or, we may fear the consequences of saying "no." What’s so good about that? Not much. That’s why simply telling yourself to say "no" more often is not a very effective means of managing your busy life and career.
So, what’s the alternative? Contemplate saying "yes" with awareness of what the "no" is in every "yes." For every task or project we agree to do, we are saying "no" to something else. If I agree to take emergency on-call tonight at work, I am saying "yes" to being a team player and helping out in a pinch. But, chances are I will get called to handle an emergency and I am saying "no" to going to the gym after work, time with my husband, an uninterrupted dinner, and a good night’s sleep. I also am saying "no" to being alert and productive tomorrow at work. I will make it through the next day, but I won’t be as effective as I could be with my clients. And, I won’t have much energy for my friends or family the next evening after work. Having awareness of what is really at stake when I say "yes" makes it much easier to make selective, thoughtful decisions to say "no."
By the way, saying "no" selectively does not make you a poor team player. There’s more than one way to be a good team player! In the example I shared, if I say "no" to on-call that night, the next day I am more present and effective with my clients and colleagues. This also is a quality of a good team player. There will be other times when I say "yes" to taking on-call in a pinch, but the circumstances in my life may be different. Perhaps at that time, I am well-rested, have been to the gym the day before, and had some quality time with my husband recently. So saying "yes" to this additional responsibility does not mean I will lose out in other important areas of my life.
Try this over the coming week: Each time you are presented with a new opportunity, project or task, ask yourself, "What am I saying 'no' to by saying 'yes' in this situation?" Write this question on a sticky note and put it where you will see it often. After trying this for a week, you will find you have much more time for what is really important to you.
Being fully aware of our choices allows us to make choices congruent with our goals, values and life purpose. This brings us closer to a sense of balance.
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Dr. Sabrina Schleicher is a licensed psychologist, as well as an executive and life coach. She specializes in career transition, work-life balance, and bringing psychologically healthy practices into the workplace. Visit her website at
http://www.tapthepotential.com to learn more about the coaching services she offers. |
