How To Work With Your Inner Critic
by Phil Bilzon

‘Sometimes I lay awake at nights and ask, “Where did I go wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”’ ~ Charlie Brown, in Peanuts.

Kath was an Account Executive with a large recruitment agency. Although she had worked her way up from being a junior, Kath now felt that she had reached a plateau. The next step was promotion to senior level. Although Kath knew that she had the skills and experience to make the move, something inside stopped her.

What Kath had discovered was an inner voice that constantly undermined her belief in her own abilities. The voice, known as an "Inner Critic", kept telling her that she wasn’t good enough to do the senior’s job, that she had gone as far as she could, that she wouldn’t cope with the responsibility. All this left Kath feeling depressed and suffering from bouts of sleeplessness.

‘If you had a friend who talked to you like you talk to yourself, would you hang around with that person?’ ~ Rob Bremer, US Speaker and Trainer

The Inner Critic is actually a part of us with a voice that criticizes us without any apparent mercy. The Inner Critic appears to be able to spot all of our shortcomings.

Psychological research has shown that the Inner Critic is always a basic factor in low self-esteem. The constant presence of the Inner Critic builds barriers that can prevent or make difficult, our efforts to change, develop or grow.

Most of the time, we are not aware that we have an inner voice. This is because the Inner Critic's constant judgments have been with us since early childhood. We have become used to the voice and probably find it so natural that we are not always aware it is there. However, it has been with us since an early age absorbing (or internalizing) the judgments of the people around us, such as parents and teachers.

 “A well-developed, strong Inner Critic does not allow us to accept compliments or love, but questions the motives or the intelligence of the giver, often whispering something like: "If she/he knew what you are really like!" softly in our ears. It responds to the judgments of everyone around us by agreeing with them.” ~ Hal Stone PhD and Sidra Stone PhD

The original intention of the Inner Critic is to protect us from shame and pain. So, although it appears that what it says is negative, it actually has a positive intention, it wants to protect and support you! The difficulty we face is that our Inner Critic may not even realize that the way it is communicating with us is not the best way for getting its message across. Being aware though of its presence is a first step to resolving the negativity. The next is to develop a more productive relationship with it.

The following process allows you to develop a better relationship with your Inner Critic so that it can be a supportive friend instead of a destructive enemy.

1. Identify the Inner Critic - from memory or real time. Notice its tone of voice and how it speaks to you and what it is saying.

2. Identify where in your body it is speaking from.

3. Take it out and put it in front of you. Get enough distance/height from it to get a new perspective.  Describe what it looks like.

4. Explore your relationship with the Critic by asking for its positive intention in any negative statements. At all times be polite to it. Find out how it can support you more effectively with what it says and how it says it. Negotiate.

5. If it’s appropriate, put in back inside you in the best location for it to be.

Kath found her Inner Critic’s positive intention was to protect her from taking on too much responsibility and risk making a fool of herself by not getting her work done correctly. Kath spoke with it and negotiated a more supportive tone and intention. She agreed with the Inner Critic to monitor how much work she was doing and so prevent overloading herself.

Kath’s improved relationship led to a rise in her self-esteem, which was reflected in her being able to take the step up to a more senior role at work.

Left alone, or ignored, the Inner Critic can hold you back from experiencing a more productive and fulfilling life. Taking time to develop a beneficial relationship will pay dividends in whatever you choose to do.

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