The next week, Tim went to Mark's house. When he arrived home shortly before dinner, he stomped into the house. He started to complain that he didn't have his homework done, and that all Mark had wanted to do was play video games. I sat down with him and said, "Tim, when you're the guest you have to be polite. You need to learn how to cooperate...."

Tim exploded. He threw his books down, and went into the playroom, kicking everything in his path. His brother Danny tossed him the basketball, and said, "Don't worry about it, Tim. Mom thinks that no matter where you are, you have to be the one to give in. You're always wrong, no matter how you feel."

Mocking me, he shifted his voice to sound like his image of a mother: "When you're the host you have to be polite, blah, blah, blah. When you're the guest, you have to learn to cooperate, blah, blah, blah. No matter where you are, you don't count."

This moment in time became the impetus for a soul-searching exploration about how I was parenting my children, and how I viewed myself in relationship to my environment. From their simple truths, I found an opportunity to explore layers of unconscious conditioning, a process I have actively attended to for four years through a regular practice of yoga.

Although many Americans associate yoga with stretching and flexibility, hatha postures are only one component of the eight-limbed yogic path. Yoga also includes a foundation of ethical relationship (yama) and inner integrity (niyama) which offers a framework for growth and development in body, mind and spirit.

Swadyaya is a tool for inner integrity. It is the practice of observing one's self. The emotional postures that we hold may embody a lack of consciousness which separates us from our authentic selves. The stretching of the mind in search of a new awareness of self mirrors the physical stretchings of the body held in yogic posture.

Richard Freeman writes, "The science of Yoga is the simple technique of how to observe what is in the present moment. This pure attention to the subtleties and movements of whatever is present, including one's own thoughts and feelings, allows for a remarkable insight into the nature of reality to occur."

We learn many scripts in our families of origin, and in our culture. WE absorb lessons from those around us which mold and shape our realities. As a child, I had learned to balance my life by denying my own desires and feelings. I felt that if I asserted myself, I would be struck down. I tried to create harmony in my family by pleasing others, by accommodating others, and by ignoring or repressing my own desires. Now I was unconsciously trying to install the same buttons in my own children.

In the dawn of awakening through this situation, resistance filled my core. I wanted to defend my expectation that my children would be courteous and considerate to others. I was angry at them for siding against me. I resented that my intention had been misconstrued. I was hurt that they were ridiculing me.

But I also knew that my body's physiological response was marking an invitation to stop reacting, to slow down, and to observe. I could see that my expectations about their behavior were related to an attachment I had about being perceived as a good mother, and a desire for others to like them. I had been teaching them that it was more important to be cooperative than to be truthful, and that the way to deal with conflict was to avoid it at all costs.

When we spoke together later, Danny, who was 10 years old at the time, stated very simply, "Morn, you always want everyone to like you. If someone is really your friend, they should want you to be happy too. You shouldn't always have to do what they want."

In my life, the lessons have come in many shapes and forms. Some teachers have been deeply challenging for me, activating mutual wounds. Others have offered insight, compassion, and wisdom. Yogic practice has provided safe passage for the journey. From its foundation, I hold the sky.

"Walk to the well. Turn as the Earth and the Mountain, Circling what they love. Whatever circles Comes from the Center." — Rumi

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Pat Burke is the director of Earthsong Yoga Center, 186 Main St #14 Marlboro, MA  01752 and the founder of the Massachusetts/New England Yoga Alliance. The Alliance provides free information and referral to all traditions of yoga. For more information please call 508-480-8884 or email at pat@earthsongyoga.com  or visit her website at www.earthsongyoga.com.