Founded in 1962 as an alternative educational center devoted to the exploration of human potential, the legendary Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California is situated on 27 acres of breathtaking grounds blessed with natural hot springs and fronted by the spectacular California coastline. Through these personal journal entries, massage therapist Mare Tomaski shares her experience of the ultimate retreat vacation and blending of business with healing.

For many of us working in the field of bodywork, the quest to achieve balance and avoid burnout is a challenging one. Personally I have tried various avenues at different stages in my career and some are proving more helpful than others. Learning a new skill or gaining an insight about my work has always been a source of great renewal and inspiration to me. Of course the goal to receive regular bodywork is always a good one too. 

However, there have been those days, even weeks of feeling depleted and uninspired when nothing does the trick, nothing except perhaps for a trip to Esalen Institute....

November 5

My journal has many empty pages. I am compelled with a desire to write after years of quiet and the catalyst is a hope that I remember all the sensations I experienced while here at Esalen. Sometimes we are granted a moment in time that appears nearly perfect. I had one of those moments today as I descended the long driveway that leads to the grounds of Esalen. As if the spectacular coast line of Big Sur's Highway 1 wasn't enchanting enough I felt as if I had been transported straight back to the Garden of Eden when my somewhat stiff body pulled its way out of my rented Chevy Cavalier and into the beautiful gardens of Esalen. I was filled with a feeling of instant gratitude. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to bring my tired hands and arms to this place. Here I know I can fill myself up again. 

I was greeted by an earthy looking guy with a warm smile who told me where my lodging was. I was to stay in "Maslow" he told me. Around the corner on the right. Dinner is at 6:00 and my workshop was to start at 8:30 pm. I don't know too much except that this place was a hippie hang out in the 60's with the emergence of the human potential movement and that they had a legendary massage crew who taught classes in the specific techniques of the Esalen style of massage. I've seen pictures of Big Sur that took my breath away but that was all I knew of Esalen. 

I wandered around in awe. The air here is clear. The ocean seems to dictate the pace at which you move and the views are spectacular. I took a spontaneous deep breath and felt myself sink into a different mode of existence. I have been more uptight than I thought. 

The dining room is a bright sunny open space with large windows facing the ocean. A solarium caps the end of the room and looked inviting to me so I gathered my food and went to sit there when I saw the outside porch. It was one of many places to absorb the feeling of the coast line. This porch was where I would eat almost all my meals while here. The food is wholesome and tasty. How nice to have a meal prepared for me. 

So off to my workshop. It's a Gestalt Awareness Workshop and I am not too sure what that means but I instinctively feel I need to know more. I have heard it's a method of mindfulness and this theme is a strong one in my life. Mindfulness is at the root of a connected massage, and also at the root of finding peace and staying balanced; I am always looking for approaches to this end. The workshop leader is Charlotte Selver. She is a fixture here at Esalen. The participants are of varied ages and backgrounds; some have been coming here for many years. For one or two of us it was our first time. As the group gets to know one another and the workshop progresses, the intensity increases. Through one on one interaction with Charlotte we were able to witness a psychological approach to being attentive to every breath, every eye movement, every pitch in the voice—a wonderful tool to attach onto body-reading skills as well as general self awareness. Each of us had different levels of experience depending on what was happening in our lives. For some it was a deeply emotional experience. The time goes by quickly and I have gained some insight about my pattern of working until empty, then rushing off to find my peace again. 

November 6

I slept well and woke up to the sound of a rooster. Somehow it was a sweet way to re-enter the world. It's odd, but I know that if that rooster were making a racket at home, I would have cursed him to fire and brimstone; but the mood that I am existing in right now is peaceful and everything seems a source of joy. I have the power to control my reaction to incoming stimulus, I know this from my meditation practice but it is occurring at a different level right now. I observe it and tuck it away for latter. I am smiling on the inside.

Breakfast is more interactive this morning because I have now made a connection to my fellow workshop mates. We are all here for similar reasons and there is a feeling of camaraderie that I experience with my massage therapist pals at home. I always enjoy that exchange. Once again I remind myself that someone cooked for me and what a gift that is. The food here is a treat for the senses. Fresh flowers adorn the dishes as well as all the tables. The herb tea is made from fresh herbs picked not 100 yards away and everything tastes as though it was made with care. 

After my morning workshop session I go off to the tubs for a massage. The tubs are perched atop a cliff that gives a magnificent view of the ocean. I slide into the warm water and almost feel tears of joy swelling as I take in the sensation of silky warm water on my skin. I closed my eyes and the next thing I heard was Robert, my massage therapist, calling my name. I have never had an Esalen style massage but have seen the video and have been in heady anticipation for weeks. 

The table was set up on one of the tiers of the grand porch overlooking the Pacific. The sun warmed my skin and there was a slight breeze that reminded me of the hundreds of nerve endings under my skin; at that moment I was keenly aware of them all it seemed. As his hands gently landed on my body, I knew almost instantly that this person was tuned in. The strokes were slow, with just the right pressure to give me a sense of firm contact without any pushing or force being added. I was beginning to see what makes this style of massage different from others. It appeared to me that I was being given a suggestion that while I was on this table every part of my body was connected. No sooner would my back be worked than he would venture straight down my leg to my foot in one long stroke that started at my shoulder. I was gently brought into stretches and then reminded that on the other side of my back was my stomach, all in one stroke done in the prone position. It was a different kinesthetic awareness to contact all sides of the body in a stroke that didn't seem to have a beginning or an end. It reminded me of a Lomi Lomi massage I had once which bordered on being a spiritual experience. 

As a budding Structural Integration therapist, it also brought to the surface my awareness of the fascial net that encompasses the body, the primary realm where Structural Integration takes place. I am growing more and more interested in things that appear integrated and this treatment was integrated, that is for sure. The thing that seemed to touch me most of all in this session, however, was his presence. He was fully present at every moment. He listened with his hands, with his senses, with every intrinsic tool he had available to him and the subtle shifts that were made from moment to moment reminded me of some things we did while in our workshop this morning. There seems to be a flow here that is consistent and I think I am tuning into it on some level. I'm not sure how long the treatment lasted but I got the sense that we worked until Robert felt like I was done. I floated from the table back into the womb-like essence of the tubs. There I stayed until our next workshop session was due to start. I can't really say how long I was there and it really doesn't matter. 

November 7

This morning I was contemplative on my time here. As I finished up the last of the workshop and said goodbye to the people I met, I felt a bit of sorrow that it was coming to an end. I spent the last hour or so wandering through the many nooks of the property. I took in the sweet smell of dozens of different flowers and herbs and watched the shadows of contrast and color feed my senses until they were vibrant and alive again. The ever present rhythm of the ocean seeped into my subconscious to a point where I didn't realize it's impact until it was gradually a faded memory as I drove north on Highway 1 towards the airport. The overall experience was one I will remember time and again upon returning to my world. It will be a cauldron from which to sip deeply from in a time of need. A vivid image in my mind of the landscape, the human exchange, the sensory input on many different levels, the very simple knowledge that we are all here to connect and grow through our experience and our relationships with others. Just knowing that there is a little comer of the world to the south of Monterey, CA where I can reconnect, brings me great peace.

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Mare Tomaski