l have been at war with my body most of my life. The battle began early on with the messages we all receive in some form about our imperfect bodies, usually in regard to their appearance.

For me, however, the messages were not about how my body looked but in regard to its function. I was told, and believed, that it was weak, sickly, damaged, and vulnerable to future disease. Future childbearing difficulties, miscarriage, infertility, cervical and vaginal cancer, were some of the predictions I, like millions of DES daughters, received from my doctor. I was 17. My mother felt guilty and I felt ruined. While small skirmishes had flared before, the war was now fully ignited with this fearful prognosis.

The forms in which I waged the war have varied through the years. Initially denial was my weapon of choice. I denied much of my female self for years, though I married and lived a pretty "normal" existence. I, however, gave the predictions enough power that I made unconscious choices and lived my life around them. I chose not to even attempt having children for many years. In other words, I didn't even conceive of conceiving!

Through a lot of inner work I overcame these fears. As a result I was easily able to become pregnant and I delivered a beautiful, healthy daughter, Alyssia, who is now 8 years old. At the onset of my pregnancy an abnormality of my cervix, which was discovered at age 17, was found to have disappeared.

I had also begun making major inroads towards forgiving the medical establishment that I had seen as treating me as a statistic and filling me with fear of having a woman's body. I am, like many women on the planet, still reclaiming and learning to honor the Goddess.

Later, after various forms of disease "threatened" and limited my lifestyle, my strategy turned to seeking help through various form of alternative medicine. Although I chose practitioners who acted lovingly, and my intent was to heal, I was still focused on something being wrong, still warring, not loving. I saw my body as being damaged, a limitation, needing to be fixed and controlled. I was acting out of fear. I felt under siege because of my body.

Then one day after directing much time, money and effort into healing my life physically, emotionally and spiritually (all of it worthwhile!), I had a revelation that changed the direction of my path forever.

I was sitting in a rocker on the wisteria-covered porch of a little cottage I'd rented for a retreat. I was only seven miles from my home, work, family, all my worldly responsibilities and attachments. I spent 10 days just being, not doing. I was at the end of a long road of working, searching, peeling the endless onion to weed the bad from my body, life and soul. I was allowing a temporary cease-fire from tramping the evil and slaughtering the enemy. Persephone had descended into Hades many times, and always come up stronger, emotionally richer and more centered, but now she wanted to sit back and enjoy the planet in her spring attire.

As I sat watching the sun fade over the marsh, my inner voice broke the silence saying, "Love your body. Tell it you love it." This was a totally new perspective! Right then and there I told it I loved it over and over again in a soft voice, like a mother comforting a small child. It felt wonderful. It felt right. The war was ending.

Thus began my path of making peace. I had spent the previous year making peace with my relationships with others; now it was time to make peace with me. Peace with the body I had long feared, enabling myself to have this fascinating, if challenging, human experience. Peace with the person who walks this earth as Johanne and peace and acceptance with the glorious Self we all hold manifest within, the Divine, the all powerful, the I AM. I didn't have to heal spiritually, I just had to remember my real Self. That's all any of us need to do.

Much of our health care system is about warring against the body, against dis-ease. We say people die of "long battles with cancer." We battle the bulge. We take drugs to kill germs and errant cells. We kill and maim healthy parts of our bodies to stop invasions of mutants, bacteria and malfunction, like we kill innocent young men in wars against political enemies. Where is the love? This is not to say that there is not love in the hospitals. There is! I've felt it. It is not to say there are no loving doctors or nurses. There are! I've met them. It is to say our society's approach is based largely on attack and defense and struggle. It is couched in looking outside to fix something wrong inside whether that be the surgeon's knife to remove a diseased gall-bladder or sculpt a prettier nose in hopes of healing a wounded psyche, or the search for inner peace that seems to require a guru, priest or therapist who seems holier or wiser than ourselves. We all have "all" the answers inside us.

Sometimes it is appropriate to journey within alone and sometimes we need a guide from without. It's all ok. Just choose your course with love.

When I choose, I listen to my inner voice to see if I feel peaceful or fearful. If I feel peaceful, then I know I'm on the right track. Healing will be the destination of any journey if we use love as the vehicle. Loving ourselves and those we choose to work with is the key, whether we're in the ER or at a yoga retreat.

Sometimes people get caught up in thinking love is only present in the alternative practitioner's office. Love is not limited to holistic practitioners anymore than God (just another word for love) is confined to a church. Wherever you venture for help is appropriate if it feels right and loving to you. Just remember to see whomever you choose to help you as a messenger from the universe and that "you are their teacher, just as they are yours." Remember they are not the authority or your source. The source is inside you and everyone. We don't need to search for love. We "are" love.

The focus of being at war with the body is pandemic in the weight control industry. Aside from the unrealistic ideals (the average model is a size 4, the average woman a size 10), the focus is not loving. It's about control, comparison, sacrifice, a battle between what you want to eat and keeping your body a certain size. We are taught to think of food in an accounting mentality. Calories in, calories expended. Grams of this and milligrams of that. Vitamin deficiencies. This reflects our lack of reverence for food in our culture.

In Europe and in many other parts of the world, the preparation and eating of food is much more an event, a work of art and love, than here in the U.S. In Zen monasteries, only the most highly evolved monks are chosen to be the cooks. Here in the U.S. it's often whomever will take the job.

Most of us are divorced from the growth and preparation of our food. We buy boilable bags, frozen entrees, fast food to go prepared by someone we'll never meet. Even when we cook for ourselves we are often too tired or stressed to be really mindful of what we are doing. The Chinese believe in having a mirror over the stove because the cook's love is reflected into the food. How much love are you putting into your food? What are you reflecting?

I love the film Like Water for Chocolate that dramatizes how the cook's emotions blend into the food and are consumed and savored just like a perfect seasoning. When she daydreams passionately about the love of her life as she prepares the sauce, the diners also are overcome with passion after they ingest the food. The energy that is put into production and preparation is what we consume, not just scientific units we can measure and record on a chart. How many diet plans teach us essential principle?

The reduction of food nourishment into an accounting mentality also reflects the division of ONENESS and unity into parts and separateness. Eating whole foods is a step in the right direction. Eating organically produced foods is another step toward oneness with the planet.

Being mindful in the act of eating and cooking is essential. Being mindful is being at one with the process and one with the food. Many of my clients are divorced from the process of eating because while they eat, they are working, watching TV, problem solving. Be aware of what you think about while you cook and eat and be aware of your thoughts about food. Do you have thoughts like, "This will make me gain weight" or "If I eat this I will feel less angry?" Gently observe if you are present in the process. Notice your thoughts without judgment and then allow yourself to be aware of the textures, tastes and aromas.

Be mindful of the love/energy that is in all things and be thankful to the plants and animals you consume as food and medicine. Be thankful to your body for processing your food and all it does, allowing you to be a spirit having a human experience. See your food as love/energy nurturing and nourishing you so you can nurture and help others. Eat in peace and begin to be in harmony with your body and peace will spread out to others. This is a way of really bringing home the idea of acting locally and thinking globally.

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Johanne Arnemann has a masters degree in Nutrition and Biology and has been a nutritionist/wellness counselor for nine years. She helps clients to discover and address the body/mind connection in whatever dis-ease they are experiencing through a combination of scientific training, eastern and western philosophy, intuition, and wisdom gained through her own journey. She may be reached at 508-432-3655 or email at pazz@cape.com.