And Self Blame
by Ellen DuBois
Who could I blame for this? Did I do
something wrong? Did that glass of wine I had before I even knew I was
pregnant somehow hurt my baby? Did that slip on the ice have anything to
do with it? What about the cigarettes I smoked? Or, or, or
It's a very natural thing to blame yourself
when you suffer a miscarriage. I did. I wracked my brain in a futile
attempt to come up with some answers. Anything. Nothing the doctor said
could convince me that there wasn't something I did to make this happen.
So, I prolonged my suffering. By blaming
myself I only made things worse. It was not my fault- just as it's not
your fault that you've miscarried. No, that glass of wine or beer you had
did not cause your miscarriage. No, the argument you had with your husband
did not cause you so much stress that you miscarried. No, the unhealthy
food you ate from a fast food restaurant didn't do it either. Please, stop
knocking yourself and blaming yourself for this. I know you need answers.
You want some sort of justification for your pain and loss. But, when you
continually find, or try to find blame within yourself, you are hurting
yourself over and over again.
When I couldn't find blame within myself or
at least a concrete event that I could somehow link to my miscarriage, my
anger turned to God. Yes, God. How could He let this happen? Why? What did
I do to deserve this?
I never thought about the bigger plan. Back
then, my views on life and what God's plans were for me were much
different. Even if they weren't, I still would have felt tremendous pain
and my faith would have been tested to the max. I still would have
wondered what kind of a God would allow such a thing to happen?
Over time, however, I learned to stop
blaming God. I don't want to preach to you, but, to those of you who are
looking to God for answers, you'll probably never know. In retrospect, I
can now look back and realize that it was all a part of the plan for my
life and accept that, as painful as it may be. It certainly isn't
something I'd want to re-live again and I still don't know why it
happened. My marriage did end. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe my
ex-husband and I just weren't cut out to be parentswe
weren't cut out to be married. But, that doesn't apply to everyone and I'm
only using examples pulled from my own life. There are many women who
aren't involved with partners but have miscarried. Many women have
terrific marriages and miscarry. You all have your own circumstances to
look at and to try to find blame in. Let me just say this: Please, for
your own peace of mind, stop blaming yourself and God, (if you're blaming
Him, too.) It's simply torture and the more you search for answers,
the longer you prolong your misery. I know it hurts. I can feel your pain.
I know having the answers would take away a little of your pain. But,
please consider this: Even if you had the answer right in front of you,
would it really lessen your grief or sadness?
I know it wouldn't have with me. It
wouldn't bring back what I lost. I know that nowonly
Acknowledge your pain. Feel it. But, please
stop blaming yourself, God, or anyone else.
© Ellen M. DuBois
Ellen M. DuBois, Author, "I
Never Held You" DLSIJ Press. A book about miscarriage, published in
God Allows U-Turns and on various websites/ezines. http://miscarriage.homestead.com/index.html