Authenticity 
by Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.

What is authenticity? We may not know how to define it, but we certainly know it when we see it. In fact, when we are in the presence of an authentic person, many of us can even feel it in our bones. We gravitate toward people whom we perceive as honest, real and sincere. We love women who radiate warmth and that "down to earth" feeling. We gather around the people who can "tell it like it is" and laugh at themselves in the process.

Authenticity is something we revere in others and strive to maintain in our own lives. We don't feel good about half-truths, disingenuous connection and fearful silence. We all want to have a clear sense of who we are and what we believe and to feel confident enough to share that with others. I've always liked the saying "We want to feel comfortable in our own skin."

Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us -- it sabotages our efforts to be authentic. How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how others perceive us? How can we be honest with people about our beliefs and, at the same time, tell them what we think they want to hear? How do we stand up for what we believe in when we are trying to make everyone around us feel comfortable so they won't get angry and put us down?

Social work educators Dean H. Hepworth, Ronald H. Rooney and Jane Lawson define authenticity as "the sharing of self by relating in a natural, sincere, spontaneous, open and genuine manner." We cannot share ourselves with others when we see ourselves as flawed and unworthy of connection. It's impossible to be "real" when we are ashamed of who we are or what we believe.

Below is a list of the messages and expectations that women described in relation to speaking out. If we look at the characteristics of authenticity -- natural, sincere, spontaneous, open genuine -- we can start to see how difficult authenticity can be if we try to filter our actions and thoughts through these narrow expectations.

On the face of it, they seem ridiculous -- they are completely contradictory and totally subjective. Who gets to define offensive or emotional? What is too passionate and what is too dispassionate?

These "rules" are built around rigid gender roles that leave women with very little room to navigate expectations while maintaining authenticity. If we break one of these rules, we are automatically labeled and stereotyped. If we assert ourselves, we become the pushy, loudmouthed bitch who everyone loves to hate. If we clarify or correct, we become the arrogant know-it-all who no one can stand to be around. If we're honest about something that is taboo or makes other people feel uncomfortable, we're labeled as a weirdo or freak. If two women get into a heated political debate on television, it's a "catfight." Whereas, if two men get into the same debate, it's a lively discussion on important issues. When we start to examine the messages and expectations that fuel our unwanted identities, it's easy to understand how shame can undermine our authenticity. We simply can't speak our truths when we are held hostage by what other people think.

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Excerpted from I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame by Brené Brown. 
Copyright (c) Brené Brown, 2007. (Published by Gotham Books; February 2007;$26.00US/$32.50CAN; 978-1-592-40263-2) Reprinted by arrangement with Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc.

Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W., is an educator, writer, and nationally renowned lecturer, as well as a member of the research faculty at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, where she recently completed a six-year study of shame and its impact on women. She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband and two children.